Sometime in early 20s, I received a forwarded email entitled “The Art of Letting Go.” The article was about ending relationships and moving on. It provided approaches on how a love-sick person can successfully get out of a love affair and move on with his/her life, and probably, find a new love along the way. During that time, I was very interested about these kinds of emails that talks about love, intimate relationship and romance.  I was then still unmarried and jumping from one relationship to another and I was gullible for anything written that would coach me on how to improve my style in managing men and my affairs with them.

Years later, a wedding and a baby after, my concern has evolved from romances to what I feel as more matured subject: family life. Included in this subject is “parenting” which has been consuming my days and nights. My view about parenting has drastically changed since my younger days. I’ve always thought of it as easy and manageable and I can’t understand back then why our parents would at times feel exasperated or desperate. I never realized how hard it was for them to raise us, their children. Until now…

With this premise, I am shifting the discussion for the “Art of Letting Go” from management of romances to parenting, particularly on the subject of granting independence to children.  Why talk about this? Parents have natural instinct to protect their children but it’s hard for them to let go. Many parents are even over protective of their children with the tendency of either turning them to a spoiled brat, weaklings, or wimps.  The thought of eventually allowing their children spread their wings and be independent is a thought that for some parents, or probably many, is hard to accept.

Authors Foster W. Cline and Jim Fay of “Parenting with Love and Logic: Teaching Children Responsibility” coined a term for overprotective parents calling them “helicopter parents” since like choppers, they hover closely overhead, rarely out of reach, whether their children need them or not.  According to Dr. Robyn Silverman, there are several motivators to parents for becoming overprotective of their children, for not letting go:

• Parents perceive that when they do something for their child, it comes out better. (The cliché “mother knows best” remains popular to parents up to this day).
• Parents feel the need for control in a world that seems more unpredictable and scary than it was when they were younger.
• Parents fear failure and hate to see their children struggle.
• Parents fear that they children will succeed and will no longer need them as they used to.
• Parents fear that their children will do vicariously or display explicit behavior.

Here are some examples of usual instances where parents would intervene of actually impede his/he child(ren)’s growth:

• For those parents of kids in their toddler and childhood stages: parents tend to protect their children from potential physical or emotional harm. This is the reason why parents would not allow children to have fun outdoors, mingle with playing kids, roll in the sand, and do other physical stuff. They are also very cautious when they feel their child is being bullied or harassed emotionally by other kids. I am an example of an overly protective mom who’s too afraid of allowing my boy cross the street on his own. My husband who’s well aware of my tendency to be such secretly taught my son to actually cross the street autonomously and kept this knowledge from me for a long time.
• For those parents of adolescents: adolescence is a transitional stage in a person’s life where rapid physical growth and psychological changes occur which may cause either conflict or personality development. Adolescence is adolescere in Latin which means “to grow up.” However, even if the children are ready or preparing themselves to grow, their parents are not letting go. They remain supervising their teens’ life as if they are unable to decide logically or suitably on their own which causes disagreement between parents and their teens. Young people at this stage are seeking their social identity and they are exploring possibilities of belonging to a group which scares parents especially if they do not approve their choice of friends. Not only that, parents also decides the type of course their children should take up in college which may lead to unhappy or unsuccessful career choices. Parents can ruin their children’s chances to be responsible by being over-caring. I have a lot of friends who are now suffering from having lazy teens who won’t even wash the dishes or clean-up their mess.
• For those parents of adults: while many would think that it’s already 20^th century and parents are less controlling of their adult children’s life anymore, the movie and the book “Eat, Pray and Love” of Elizabeth Gilbert mirrored how culture and traditions still manipulates one’s choice of husband or wife. Such practice of marrying off their daughters and sons to people they don’t love, like, or even know, still prevail in many countries. There are also parents who force their children not to marry their partners or not to marry at all. My then 35 year-old elder sister was actually prohibited by our father not to marry her boyfriend. She was of age already and she knows what she wanted and deserve in life so she eloped with the boyfriend amidst the infuriation of our father who eventually came to accept my sister’s rebellious decision.

Like in any love affair, anything that is too much causes a drift. In this instance, over-protectiveness of parents has a downside, not only in creating gaps between the parent-child relationships but in other aspect of human development of the child, and actually, even of the parents as well. These effects of parental hyper-concern or hyper-protectiveness are identified by Dr. Silverman:

(a)    Undermining children’s confidence in their own abilities to take care of themselves and get things done. Over-caring parents always give a hand to their children, helping them in every small and big tasks they have to accomplish themselves. A very good example of this is my friend who mothers a 17-year old teen. He came to his mother’s office and forced her to accompany him to a photo studio. The mom argued: “you’re too old to be chaperoned and the process is so easy.” The teen said: “I don’t know the process and all. Come on!” And so, the mom went. The boy was used to his mom doing work he prefers not to do like household chores and school project. She does not only teach him indolence but also dependency in other people which lessen his confidence in his own capacity.

(b)   Instilling fear of failure because they are denied the chance to persevere and be resilient without being helped by others. This causes the children to always rely on other people, doubt their own capabilities and accomplishments, and fear that if they’re on their own, they’re bound to commit mistakes and fail. At the same time, parents also fear that their children won’t be successful in any endeavor when they are alone.

(c)   Stunting growth and development. Kids of overprotective parents according to a study lack some of the knowledge to negotiate what they need, solve their own problems, stay safe, and interact in close quarters with others. Instead of helping them cope with life, parents encased them in a sheltered environment that teaches them dependency on them. Surely, it would be hard for them to last a day outside the real world alone.

(d)  Inability to launch. This means they won’t be able to start and accomplish something without the parents help. They are not even sure what they wanted in life or what their passions are so they simply allow them to run and manage it for them.

(e) More staff, teacher, and administrator resources tending to parental needs and wants of children that are supposedly addressed at home. This has always been the issues being raised by academic institutions that instead of educators focusing on academic achievement and elevation of the quality of education, a good amount of their time are spent providing parental care and guidance to them due to negligence of parents.

(f) Raising parental anxiety levels for those parents who regard their children’s success as measurement of their own self-worth. A study revealed that these parents have a more negative self image than those who do not look at parenting that way.

While parents’ intention in overprotecting their children is noble, the effect is at times upturned.  Aside from making the child feel loved and cared for, they also become risk-averse and fragile. It would be hard for our children to attain happiness if they are full of angst and anxieties about their skills, abilities, and decisions. We can’t forever shield them from the world, stay with them twenty-four (24) hours a day to ensure their safety and contentment. Someday soon, they will have to learn to stand on their own feet and face life’s challenges maturely and responsibly.

Here’s something I’ve written for my son. The sign that I am trying to learn the “art of letting go” so someday, he would be the kind of person he himself will be proud of.

“Even if my heart bleeds for letting you go to be on your own, I must. Your independence is your key to become a grown, mature man.

I am bleeding now for allowing you out of the shelter of my protective wings. But I know, my son, I’d bleed more if I don’t.”

Photo credit: Stephen Baccon

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