Category: developing behaviors of children

The Art of Letting Go: Parenting Style

momblogger
Oct 13 |10:42

Sometime in early 20s, I received a forwarded email entitled “The Art of Letting Go.” The article was about ending relationships and moving on. It provided approaches on how a love-sick person can successfully get out of a love affair and move on with his/her life, and probably, find a new love along the way. During that time, I was very interested about these kinds of emails that talks about love, intimate relationship and romance.  I was then still unmarried and jumping from one relationship to another and I was gullible for anything written that would coach me on how to improve my style in managing men and my affairs with them.

Years later, a wedding and a baby after, my concern has evolved from romances to what I feel as more matured subject: family life. Included in this subject is “parenting” which has been consuming my days and nights. My view about parenting has drastically changed since my younger days. I’ve always thought of it as easy and manageable and I can’t understand back then why our parents would at times feel exasperated or desperate. I never realized how hard it was for them to raise us, their children. Until now…

With this premise, I am shifting the discussion for the “Art of Letting Go” from management of romances to parenting, particularly on the subject of granting independence to children.  Why talk about this? Parents have natural instinct to protect their children but it’s hard for them to let go. Many parents are even over protective of their children with the tendency of either turning them to a spoiled brat, weaklings, or wimps.  The thought of eventually allowing their children spread their wings and be independent is a thought that for some parents, or probably many, is hard to accept.

Authors Foster W. Cline and Jim Fay of “Parenting with Love and Logic: Teaching Children Responsibility” coined a term for overprotective parents calling them “helicopter parents” since like choppers, they hover closely overhead, rarely out of reach, whether their children need them or not.  According to Dr. Robyn Silverman, there are several motivators to parents for becoming overprotective of their children, for not letting go:

  • Parents perceive that when they do something for their child, it comes out better. (The cliché “mother knows best” remains popular to parents up to this day).
  • Parents feel the need for control in a world that seems more unpredictable and scary than it was when they were younger.
  • Parents fear failure and hate to see their children struggle.
  • Parents fear that they children will succeed and will no longer need them as they used to.
  • Parents fear that their children will do vicariously or display explicit behavior.

Here are some examples of usual instances where parents would intervene of actually impede his/he child(ren)’s growth:

  • For those parents of kids in their toddler and childhood stages: parents tend to protect their children from potential physical or emotional harm. This is the reason why parents would not allow children to have fun outdoors, mingle with playing kids, roll in the sand, and do other physical stuff. They are also very cautious when they feel their child is being bullied or harassed emotionally by other kids. I am an example of an overly protective mom who’s too afraid of allowing my boy cross the street on his own. My husband who’s well aware of my tendency to be such secretly taught my son to actually cross the street autonomously and kept this knowledge from me for a long time.
  • For those parents of adolescents: adolescence is a transitional stage in a person’s life where rapid physical growth and psychological changes occur which may cause either conflict or personality development. Adolescence is adolescere in Latin which means “to grow up.” However, even if the children are ready or preparing themselves to grow, their parents are not letting go. They remain supervising their teens’ life as if they are unable to decide logically or suitably on their own which causes disagreement between parents and their teens. Young people at this stage are seeking their social identity and they are exploring possibilities of belonging to a group which scares parents especially if they do not approve their choice of friends. Not only that, parents also decides the type of course their children should take up in college which may lead to unhappy or unsuccessful career choices. Parents can ruin their children’s chances to be responsible by being over-caring. I have a lot of friends who are now suffering from having lazy teens who won’t even wash the dishes or clean-up their mess.
  • For those parents of adults: while many would think that it’s already 20th century and parents are less controlling of their adult children’s life anymore, the movie and the book “Eat, Pray and Love” of Elizabeth Gilbert mirrored how culture and traditions still manipulates one’s choice of husband or wife. Such practice of marrying off their daughters and sons to people they don’t love, like, or even know, still prevail in many countries. There are also parents who force their children not to marry their partners or not to marry at all. My then 35 year-old elder sister was actually prohibited by our father not to marry her boyfriend. She was of age already and she knows what she wanted and deserve in life so she eloped with the boyfriend amidst the infuriation of our father who eventually came to accept my sister’s rebellious decision.

Like in any love affair, anything that is too much causes a drift. In this instance, over-protectiveness of parents has a downside, not only in creating gaps between the parent-child relationships but in other aspect of human development of the child, and actually, even of the parents as well. These effects of parental hyper-concern or hyper-protectiveness are identified by Dr. Silverman:

(a)    Undermining children’s confidence in their own abilities to take care of themselves and get things done. Over-caring parents always give a hand to their children, helping them in every small and big tasks they have to accomplish themselves. A very good example of this is my friend who mothers a 17-year old teen. He came to his mother’s office and forced her to accompany him to a photo studio. The mom argued: “you’re too old to be chaperoned and the process is so easy.” The teen said: “I don’t know the process and all. Come on!” And so, the mom went. The boy was used to his mom doing work he prefers not to do like household chores and school project. She does not only teach him indolence but also dependency in other people which lessen his confidence in his own capacity.

(b)   Instilling fear of failure because they are denied the chance to persevere and be resilient without being helped by others. This causes the children to always rely on other people, doubt their own capabilities and accomplishments, and fear that if they’re on their own, they’re bound to commit mistakes and fail. At the same time, parents also fear that their children won’t be successful in any endeavor when they are alone.

(c)   Stunting growth and development. Kids of overprotective parents according to a study lack some of the knowledge to negotiate what they need, solve their own problems, stay safe, and interact in close quarters with others. Instead of helping them cope with life, parents encased them in a sheltered environment that teaches them dependency on them. Surely, it would be hard for them to last a day outside the real world alone.

(d)  Inability to launch. This means they won’t be able to start and accomplish something without the parents help. They are not even sure what they wanted in life or what their passions are so they simply allow them to run and manage it for them.

(e) More staff, teacher, and administrator resources tending to parental needs and wants of children that are supposedly addressed at home. This has always been the issues being raised by academic institutions that instead of educators focusing on academic achievement and elevation of the quality of education, a good amount of their time are spent providing parental care and guidance to them due to negligence of parents.

(f) Raising parental anxiety levels for those parents who regard their children’s success as measurement of their own self-worth. A study revealed that these parents have a more negative self image than those who do not look at parenting that way.

While parents’ intention in overprotecting their children is noble, the effect is at times upturned.  Aside from making the child feel loved and cared for, they also become risk-averse and fragile. It would be hard for our children to attain happiness if they are full of angst and anxieties about their skills, abilities, and decisions. We can’t forever shield them from the world, stay with them twenty-four (24) hours a day to ensure their safety and contentment. Someday soon, they will have to learn to stand on their own feet and face life’s challenges maturely and responsibly.

Here’s something I’ve written for my son. The sign that I am trying to learn the “art of letting go” so someday, he would be the kind of person he himself will be proud of.

“Even if my heart bleeds for letting you go to be on your own, I must. Your independence is your key to become a grown, mature man.

I am bleeding now for allowing you out of the shelter of my protective wings. But I know, my son, I’d bleed more if I don’t.”

Photo credit: Stephen Baccon

Do you agree with the ideas presented in this article? It would be wonderful if you provide your thoughts and insights on the topic so we can learn from each other. Drop us a message by using the comment section below or send it to us through the contact form or through our email at newmoms101 (at) yahoo (dot) com.

 

 

Understanding the Dynamics of Multiple Intelligences for Better Parenting

momblogger
Jul 8 |08:44

Since our last topic was about creating an environment towards academic excellence for children, I find it natural to talk next about the dynamics of multiple intelligences versus the traditional view on intelligence which is mostly gauged on how well a child perform in academics.

Some years ago, I was asked to design a training program on learning. It was a general instruction and my target participants would be those taking the free 80-hour vocational and technical courses offered by our institution. Based on the experience of the organizers, the dropout rate is quite high considering that the courses are given free. Noting that information, I have decided to focus the training design on learning motivations, particularly on recognizing the different types of intelligences every individual has.

This is called the theory of multiple intelligences (MI) which veer away from the conventional view on measuring a person’s intellect. The theory was conceived by Dr. Howard Gardner in 1983 which suggests that I.Q. (Intelligent Quotient) testing provides a far too limited perception of a person’s intelligence. In contrast, he identified the eight different types of intelligences which account for a broader range of human potential, both in children and in adults. Note also that since more human potentials are being discovered as time goes by, the number of intelligences are not grounded to eight. In fact, today, there are already nine types of intelligences already established.

You may ask, why is understanding and recognizing the theory of multiple intelligence important to parenting? By appreciating our children’s mental type and ability, we would have a good idea of how to help them learn and excel in their area of interest and intelligence. Below are the established nine types of multiple intelligences:

  1. Verbal-Linguistic intelligence, “word smart.” Individuals with capacity to use language, whether native or foreign language, to express clearly what’s on his/her mind and in understanding others. Example of professions and careers of people with this kind of intelligence:   Poets, public speakers, journalists, writers (authors, advertising, script and speech writers), speech pathologists, lawyers, secretaries, editors, proofreaders, comedians, debaters, archivists, translators, TV and radio newscasters, commentators, announcers.
  2. Logical-Mathematical intelligence, “number/reasoning smart.” People with highly developed logical/mathematical intelligences and with easy understanding of causal system. Example of professions and careers of people with this kind of intelligence:  computer technicians and programmers, underwriters, accountants, statisticians, poll takers, stock brokers, auditors, actuaries, purchasing agents, bankers, accountants, professional debaters, math teachers, attorneys, scientific researchers, arbitrators, underwriters, medical professionals, data analysts, logicians.
  3. Visual-Spatial intelligence, “picture smart.” Those with this kind of intelligence perceive the visual world accurately. They can create mental images, think in terms of graphics, and can visualize accurately and abstractly. Example of professions and careers of people with this kind of intelligence: interior decorators, graphic design artists, cartographers, photographers, architects, airline pilots, surgeons, painters, sculptors, chefs (with their food presentations), quilters, needle point embroiders, landscapers, theater set designers, professional drivers, cinematographers, book illustrators, tour guides, jewelry and clothing designers.
  4. Bodily-Kinesthetic intelligence, “body smart.” Ability to control body movements and handle objects skillfully. Example of professions and careers of people with this kind of intelligence: gymnasts, physical therapists, models, mechanics, choreographers, actors, recreation directors, crafts persons, athletes, invertors, builders, dancers, circus artists, bodybuilders, doctors, nurses, exercise instructors, sport coaches, law enforcement personnel.
  5. Musical-Rhythmic intelligence, “music smart.” Ability to produce, appreciates, and manipulates rhythm, pitch and timber. Example of professions and careers of people with this kind of intelligence: Music therapist, advertising professionals, motion picture soundtrack creators, music teachers, piano tuners, music studio directors and recorders, song writers, music performers, conductors, sound engineers, music copyists.
  6. Interpersonal intelligence, “people smart.” Capacity to understand others; discern verbal and non-verbal cues; and detect and respond appropriately to moods, motivations and desires of others. Example of professions and careers of people with this kind of intelligence: teachers, administrators, arbitrators, anthropologists, organization leaders (presidents and CEOs), sociologists, talk show hosts, politicians, public relations or customer service personnel, salespersons, travel agents, consultants, social affairs directors.
  7. Intrapersonal intelligence, “self smart.” With great understanding of oneself; can do and fond of self-reflection and metacognition; self-aware and in tune with inner feelings, values, beliefs and thinking processes. Example of professions and careers of people with this kind of intelligence: therapists, psychologists, human potential researchers, philosophers, religious leaders (pastors and priests), social workers, mediation guides, counselors, self-help advisors, cognitive pattern researchers, mental health professionals.
  8. Naturalist intelligence, “nature smart.” Ability to recognize and categorize plants, animals and other objects in nature. Example of professions and careers of people with this kind of intelligence: forest rangers, nature guides, animal trainers, zoo keepers, landscape designers, gardeners, scientists investigating the biological and physical worlds, bird watchers, veterinarians, farmers, people involved in scouting and camping, botanists, horticulturists, florists, meteorologists, conservations
  9. Existentialist intelligence, “wondering smart.” Individuals, who like and enjoy thinking, and questioning, and are curios about life, death, and ultimate realities. Example of professions and careers of people with this kind of intelligence: philosophers, scientists, anthropologists, archaeologist, geologists, astronomers.

Two more types of intelligences are being considered to be included or excluded in the MI theories – spiritual intelligence and moral intelligence. The list is ever expanding as we tend to discover diversity of skills and intellectual competence of individuals. Remember also that a person can be “multi-intellectual” or possessing different types of intelligences.

As parents, the key is to discern what types of intelligence

Like this article? Do you have any ideas or stories on multiple intelligences on children you may want to share with us? Please use the comment section below sending us a message through the contact form or our email at newmoms101 (at) yahoo (dot) com.

 

Modeling is the Best Tool in Teaching Children

momblogger
Jul 5 |04:56

“There comes a time when a woman needs to stop thinking about her looks and focus her energies on raising her children. This time comes at the moment of conception. A child needs a role model, not a supermodel.” Astrid Alauda, on the “hot mom” trend

Once a woman decides on becoming a parent, she must be ready to become a ‘new person.’ Singlehood is far different from Mommyhood because of the roles and responsibilities a mother is expected to play and get done. A woman becomes selfless, a ‘person for others,’ once she decided on rearing a child.

One of the hardest tasks of a mom is teaching, educating, and guiding her kid(s). Every child is unique and is born with varied attitudes, behaviors, and mental facility. For this reason, a mother can’t simply apply a mothering technique which benefited another mom. However, one general approach I believe, tried, and observed working for other moms as well, as valuable is ‘modeling proper behavior’ in teaching children.

I always say that it’s easier to teach kids than adults because they are like sponges who soak everything they hear and see unlike adults who tend to refuse unlearning what they have already grown with. In teaching kids however, always be reminded that these little darlings may be young but they are very intelligent and may use your words and actions against you when you fail to lead by example. Walking your talk is hundred-fold effective than continuously reminding them of proper behavior and attitude.

When I became a mom, I realized that unknowingly, some of my values in parenting actually came from my mother. She never taught me those; she simply made me see them. She was the kind who would sacrifice everything for her children. I came from a poor family and there were many instances in the past where our supply of food was limited and my mom would always give her share to us. She was also the hands-on-mom, a responsible homemaker, but whenever she can, she would always help my father in raising funds for the family. The virtues of diligence and unselfishness are among the qualities I adapted from my mother as a result of her modeling.

On the other hand, a friend of mine mothering three male teens is having problems on imposing discipline with them. For instance, when she reprimanded them for having vices such as drinking and smoking, they retorted that she also drinks and smokes. I was put in the same scenario when I scolded my son for lying. He simply responded: “You and Papa also lie. Remember, you said we will go to McDonalds yesterday, we didn’t.”

Another sad story of modeling bad behavior in children is this boy who grew up watching his father beat his mother. The father would even tell his son that men are superior than women. The boy is married to a friend, a wife beater, and a loud mouth.

No matter how much we blabber about good behaviors if we are showing otherwise, our words will be futile. If we want them to grow up as a person of character, we must act like one. Here are some ways of modeling good behavior to our children:

  • Teach them not to lie by keeping your promises and standing by your words.
  • Teach them how to respect people by using respectful tones and words when you converse with others especially the elderly.
  • Teach them the virtue of handwork by exposing them to your workplace and your ways of accomplishing your daily tasks.
  • Teach them the value of family by showing love and respect for your family members.
  • Teach them how to be god-fearing by sharing religious activities with them like praying, reading stories from the bible, and going to church.

(photo from wowowow.com)

Like this article? Do you have any ideas or stories on modeling behavior for children you may want to share with us? Please use the comment section below sending us a message through the contact form or our email at newmoms101 (at) yahoo (dot) com.